I’ve been something of a ghost recently.
I’m sorry I
I haven’t been myself
I spent the latter half of the year in post-grad aimless misery of the Dustin-Hoffman-at-the-bottom-of-a-swimming-pool variety. Granted, with less actual swimming pools and more soul-crushing retail hours in my hometown. I found myself, not for the first time, severely failing to live up to my alleged “potential”.
And something’s got me down
What it is, I cannot tell
So, some part of my brain has resorted to placing as much distance as it can from the trapped disappointment that I feel myself becoming.
I won’t be satisfied with anything I’ve earned
It’s my 23rd birthday. All I can think to do is see some random bands play downtown. When the day comes, I’m feeling strange and far away. My sister hands me a Jack and Coke and a handful of kids with X’s on their hands glance at me with slight envy. Jesus, was everyone at these shows always so young? Well, it wasn’t so long ago when I would go to classes with those X’s on my own hands and feel a bit of silly pride. So yeah, they were.
The front man is saying something, but I miss it. We had great spots before but lost them our journey to the bar. I wrinkle my nose at my drink. It isn’t even strong but the bitterness in nearly unbearable. I glance at the cute guy with the hair and the accent I had seen earlier. He’s practically nose-to-nose with some tiny thing. Her marked hand rests on his shoulder. Great.
Fear is just a part of love
The guitar picks up and the thump of the drums nearly brings me back to myself. My roommate takes my arm with a sudden revelation. “I know this song!” she calls over the crowd. I realize that — inexplicably — I do too. As I belt out the lyrics with my roommate, my sister, and her boyfriend I feel my hovering ghost connect back to me. Maybe I will float away again, honestly I am certain I will. This isn’t easy. But today I am here, with people who care about me and good music.
And one thing I found
Is love is what you deserve
(Song recommendation by Brianna Suazo)