I only recently got into Tennis.
They’ve been on my radar for years, since their debut album Cape Dorywas blowing up back in 2011/2012. But for some reason, I never took the time to listen to that album. In fact, I still haven’t gotten all the way through it.
I have, however, become absolutely obsessed with 2017’s Yours Conditionally. It’s one of those rare perfect albums for me, an album that I can listen to from start to finish, enjoying every single moment of that 36 minutes and 17 seconds.
But the song I’m recommending today isn’t even from that album. It’s a single from the same year: “I Miss That Feeling.” In doing my reading on the band, I learned that this song is inspired by Alaina Moore’s struggles with anxiety — a struggle I share.
I had my first panic attack in 5+ years last week. I was sitting in bed, relaxing and reading a great book. When I finished the book and closed my Kindle, I saw a strange flash of light and my heart started racing. I jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen to get a glass of water, mostly to prove to myself that I was not having a seizure and partly to be in the same room as another human being who could call the paramedics if I was having a seizure.
I wasn’t too surprised by the panic attack. I know my triggers, and my life is a perfect storm of them lately. Feelings of personal and professional stagnation, worry that I’ve passed my peak as a human being. You know, the typical symptoms of an existential crisis.
I’ve also been feeling a bit of whiplash at being 30 years old…soon to be 31 in just a couple of weeks. I’ve been looking at some old photos on Facebook, photos from my college days, and even further back to the end of high school. I’ve also spent some time reading my journals from those days.
I can’t believe its been 10–15 years since that version of me was navigating the world. It certainly doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. And it’s even harder to wrap my head around what is perhaps the most basic truth of life: you can never go back.
They weren’t necessarily happier or even easier times. Yet I still feel nostalgia for them. A sense of loss for that phase of my life that’s over forever. That phase where I still had most of my major life decisions in front of me, when I was making my through life one unsteady step at a time. It was anxiety inducing in a different way, and I guess I miss that feeling.
(Song recommendation by Samantha Lamph/Len)